little orange seed

My entire world changed 54 days ago. My heart has hurt ever since, and feels like it will continue to do so for a long while. My heart feels like it's broken into a million pieces. I've never felt a pain like I do right now. I would be 14 weeks today. I was supposed to be announcing the best news of my whole life, this week. I constantly feel like something is missing, and I'll never get it back. I long for just one more day with her inside of me. For now I will lie here, with tear stained cheeks, snuggling your little onsie. I hope that one day, holding another baby won't bring on a deep sadness, or that the news of another healthy pregnancy won't make me ache for my own. I hope that one day I can look back on those days, and smile instead of cry. For now, I'll grieve, and I'll ache. Little orange sead, my peanut, you are always in my heart, and in my mind. 


It's 1:13 in the morning, Saturday, October 28, 2017. Brady and I are crammed into a full size bed, in a very old, but kind of charming, hotel in Stowe, Vermont. We've had this weekend "planned" for about a month. I put quotes around planned because the only thing we planned was a four day car rental. We booked our home on Airbnb, and booked a car, and completely winged the rest. A few days ago, I was dreading this trip, and today, while still hurting, am grateful to be here.


A week ago, today, I woke up, and made plans to run around the city with Brady. We were headed to buy a new tv, get lunch, and make a few returns. Nothing too exciting. I went into the bathroom to get ready for the day and saw my box of pregnancy tests staring at me. I'd been forcing myself to not take one. To wait a little longer. I had already taken two negatives, but my body felt so different, and I was convinced otherwise. So I did it, I took one. I peed on the stick, and placed it upside down on the sink. I started to get ready. A few minutes later, I flipped it over, and there it was. "Pregnant". I clearly remember taking a double take. Making sure I didn't miss the "not". I didn't miss anything. There it was, clear as day, I was pregnant. Best moment of my life. Happiest moment of my life. I couldn't believe it. I was silently screaming. Literally. Trying to stay quiet, trying to gather my thoughts. Do I surprise brady!? What do I do? I couldn't contain my excitement. It was the wildest experience. I wish I could fully explain the way I was feeling. It felt like every moment, dream, pretend "play" as a child, was coming true. My most wildest dream was happening. I WAS GOING TO BE A MOM! I knew there was absolutely no way I would be able to keep my cool, so I slowly opened the bathroom door, pregnancy test behind my back, and got Brady's attention. "Babe, I'm pregnant." With the happiest, biggest grin. He was shocked, and thrilled, and so happy. We spent the whole day taking about it, dreaming about it. It was happening. Honestly, one of the very best days of my entire life. Not much can top that.
After downloading some apps, reading countless articles and blog posts, we determined I was 6 weeks. The doctor confirmed I was actually 5, and a few days. Which means our little peanut was about the size of an orange seed. The most special, perfect, little orange seed. Of course, I always had my fears. So early in a pregnancy, so much can go wrong. You just never know. I jumped for joy at every sign of sickness. I couldn't have been happier to have sore boobs or major waves of fatigue. I didn't care if I gained 200lbs. I was on cloud nine, and I would take absolutely anything that was thrown my way, if it meant I got to grow that little seed inside of me.
I woke up Wednesday morning at 6am with the most intense lower stomach cramps. I was in so much pain. I had a little episode the night before, feeling really sick while with some friends in Brooklyn. I was so nauseous, and a terrible stomach ache. While I didn't want to be sick, I was happy to be, and thought it was a great sign. Little did I know that stomach ache would worsen as the hours went by, and turn into full blown cramps the next morning. I ran to the bathroom as soon as I woke up, and found blood. Lots of blood. I went into a panic. Sheer panic and fear. I know what this means. I was reading about this just a day earlier. Maybe I'm an exception though, maybe everything is totally fine. But it didn't feel fine. It didn't feel fine at all. I sat for hours, in pain, and in tears. As soon as my doctor's office opened, I called. I could hear the concern in her voice, as I told the receptionist what was going on. She told me to come in at 11am. So I waited. Brady got excused from clinic, and rushed home. At 10:30 we started our walk to the office. I was feeling a lot better by then, physically anyway. But, as soon as I walked into that office, I knew. I just knew. Sitting there, going though each step was torture. They sent me to the bathroom to pee in a cup. I remember a few minutes later, an assistant sticking her head in the door to tell my doctor something, and she just saying "I understand". My heart sank right then, but I tried to remain hopeful. I didn't know anything for certain. This could still be ok. I read stories online just hours ago, of women who were just fine. I could be one of them.
Minutes later I was changed into a gown and a nurse was searching for the baby. I'll never forget the moment when she said, "Did you pass anything this morning?". That's when I actually knew. That's when it hit me, and my eyes filled with tears. My heart sank. My world shattered. She couldn't find my baby. My baby was gone. It's not there. And the worst feeling of all, thinking about how it just came out of you earlier that morning, and was flushed down the toilet. I think that was the thought that I simply couldn't shake, and rocked my whole world. That, and the realization that I suddenly wasn't pregnant anymore. Just like that.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017, was the hardest day of my entire life. Hands down. The worst day I've ever experienced. The lowest of lows. My heart was broken. My life felt different. I was completely devastated. I still am. I just hold it together better. My entire day was spent in bed, sobbing, sleeping, trying to eat and stay hydrated. I would cry and cry, and finally stop, thinking I had cried all I could possibly cry. when it would just hit again, and again. I sat in the shower, letting he hot water just fall on me, as I sobbed. As I cried the ugly cry. Just let it all out. It's wild how just four days of knowing my little peanut inside me, or my tiny little orange seed, could bring such heartache. I lost my baby that day.
We had Airbnb guests, that we had booked a month ago, arriving the very next day. We had a road trip already planned. We had to leave, there wasn't much of an option. All I wanted was to lie in bed. I didn't want to move, I just wanted to lie there and grieve. For a while I thought about canceling the rental car, and staying in a crappy motel in Jersey for four days. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to have fun. How could I possibly go have fun? I changed my mind many times over the course of a few hours. I was incredibly sick Wednesday afternoon, as my body was getting rid of all the remnants from the pregnancy. It was horrendous, and devastating. But, as my body started to feel better, I decided we should go. We should take this weekend to lift our spirits. To love and hold each other, and to carry each other though this tough time. It's now, 2am on Saturday morning, and my heart still aches. It's still completely shattered, but I feel more hopeful for brighter days. I fell asleep really early last night, and woke up a couple hours ago, from an unwanted dream. Almost nightmare like. I keep reliving my miscarriage, over and over. Every time I shut my eyes. And even though it's the crappiest thing I've ever been though, and I don't want it to haunt my dreams, I also never want to forget it. I never want to forget those four days of pure bliss. I truly have never experienced a happiness like that. Looking at Brady, and seeing the amazing dad he will be. Or at Zo, and picturing her snuggled up to our little babe. I picture that life we will have, and I know it will be perfect.

I know our day will come, although it feels distant. And I know that one day, I'll get to meet my little orange seed baby. I can't wait for that. I'm so grateful for a knowledge of life after death. And so grateful to know that the sweet spirit that was growing inside me, for just five short weeks, is in the best of hands. And watching over us. I love you, and I miss you. I look forward to meeting my future little seeds, who will hopefully grow to be much more than that. ❤️