hard days turning sweeter

at the end of july, i was working at a salon on the uws, as a receptionist. i had taken this job just a couple months prior. i was working really long, rough days. pay was nice, but at the end of the day, i was unhappy. i felt like my whole life was spent behind a desk, doing nothing. and unfortunately, my coworkers were less than pleasing. after a lot of thought, we decided i should put in my notice. this was a really hard thing for me to do. i disliked my job, but i loved having a steady and reliable income. steady income, and artist, just don't go hand in hand. so while this was really tough, i knew it was the right thing to do.

this last year has been the hardest year of my life. ever since i was a young girl, i've battled anxiety and depression in some way. some years more severe than others. this year was my hardest, but it's turning sweeter. i've made major strides in just a few short months. writing this brings me to tears, because there was a time where i though i would never see the light. it seemed as though i'd be stuck forever and that i'd never get to experience a true happiness. in no way am i magically healed, but i am progressing, and i feel the most like myself than i have in a really long time. depression is a really weird and confusing illness. it's something that it difficult to put into words, and can only be truly understood once you have been there. while brady has never experienced it in any way, of which i am grateful for, he is my perfect supporter. he knows how to be there for me, and to love me despite it all. it's hard to explain to someone how you can feel so low, when everything you have in front of you is so wonderful. i have the greatest husband, dog, family, and friends. but it really has nothing to do with that. and that's something i was always trying to help brady understand, that it's not him. for me, he is perfect. my sadness comes from some place unknown and a place i can't control. 

now i'm just rambling. but, it actually feels good to write. i've never really done this. i tend not to talk about it much, but maybe i can change that. i know so many more people are going through the exact same things, and have no where to turn.

anyway, during my time at the salon, i was in my darkest funk. i would get up, go to work, come home, sleep, and repeat. the only reason i was getting out of bed everyday was because i had no other choice. this played a big role in leaving my job. both brady and i decided that i needed a break. i was going to head to arizona and live with my parents for a few weeks until he had his summer break and could come join me. the first couple weeks away were good, but hard. i hated being away from brady, but knew nyc and i needed some distance. it's hard to explain the city and what it can do to you. it's amazing, and we LOVE it here... but it can be suffocating. i could write a million things i love, and a million things i don't. sometimes that list of don'ts gets to you, and you just need a break. i spent two months in arizona before returning home, and it was hard, but it was amazing.  i was't miraculously better, but i was rejuvenated. spending time with my family and friends was good for my soul. not to mention the sunshine. i'm so grateful for the early mornings i spent walking and playing with zoe, and the days i spent lying in the sun, reading a book. it was just what i needed. 

i've been back awhile now, and while we have certainly had our bumps along the way, my sprits are lifted. and i feel more happy than sad, and more grateful than anything else.